Museletter  - February 2004

Welcome to my second Museletter, a collection of thoughts to enhance, educate and entertain. 

New Words

I'm grateful to my friend Gail Raynsford who reports that a typo produced a new meaningful word: "I was trying to say I would be downsizing my house when my youngest moves out this weekend, but I mistyped it and it came out as "ownsizing" which I think is a much better description !!"

Quote

I believe that the only thing that stops us achieving all the success we want and deserve is what we tell ourselves.

Human Beings seem to have a need for understanding. Understanding of the world around us and our place in that world. It is this key point that differentiates us from other animals.

This understanding we record as beliefs. But what purpose do they serve? Well, they create certainty where before was uncertainty. Or to put it more accurately, they create a FEELING of certainty. Or, if we were to look at it from a slightly different angle, we could say that they create an ILLUSION of certainty.

We human beings seem to require this feeling of certainty, and have done so from a very early age. We seem to require an understanding of what's going on, and an answer to this key question: "What does this mean about me?"

Lets take an early example of how this works. You are two years old with a newly born sibling. You've just done something of earth-shattering importance, like building your first tower of bricks, and you want your Mummy to witness this monumental event.

So you run off to find her, falling over a couple of times on the way, because walking and running are skills that you haven't quite mastered yet, especially when your so excited! She's not in the kitchen, or the bedrooms, but you finally find her in the bathroom.

"Mummy, Mummy, come now, come and see what I've made"

But she responds "Not now darling, I can't come now"

But you're a two year old whose just made the most fantastic tower of bricks that you just know your Mummy really wants to see, so you don't give up: "Mummy, YOU MUST come and see what I've made for you"

And yet she still doesn't do as you ask, she says, "I can't come now, as I'm bathing your little baby sister"

So you leave the bathroom, and you now take this event and ask yourself "What does this mean about me?"

What kind of answers do you think a 2 year old will come up with?

Maybe: Mummy loves Sarah more than me, or I am not as important as Sarah, or I am not good enough, or I made Mummy upset, I'm Bad.

These are possible statements that a 2 year old looking at this experience and trying to gain an understanding of the situation will tell herself. We can see that she only sees the situation from her own limited perspective. What she now has though is an UNDERSTANDING of the situation she finds herself in. It doesn't seem to matter how true or otherwise her understanding is, it still satisfies the need for understanding.

What will now happen is that the toddler will be on the look out for more evidence to support her understanding. So next time she wants her mother's attention, and she get's the response: "I can't come now, I'm changing your sister's nappy" she may think: "I knew it! She does love Sarah more than me"

Now the toddler has gained more certainty and more understanding, and what was just a thought before, now grows into a belief. And as she has more experiences, she looks to increase her understanding and certainty by adding each experience that supports her belief "I'm being sent to nursery, so Mummy can spend more time with Sarah" to make her belief stronger, while completely ignoring any experience which would lead to an opposite conclusion.

Now, I am not saying this is exactly how is works for all of us, and that we only remember the negative experiences and forget all the good ones. In fact I believe we remember the emotionally charged experiences, which for most of us is the opposite of our normality. Reading Dave Pelzer's amazing book 'A Child Called It' I was struck by the recollection of the times when his abusive mother was kind to him. These moments had much more 'emotional intensity' because of his desire to be loved and accepted by his mother than the virtually constant humiliation and abuse he suffered.

So this little story is only designed to be illustrative of how we can subconsciously come up with these negative beliefs, based on only our own limited perspective.

I'm sure that you can see that the toddler reaches conclusions based on a very limited perspective, and we, as adults, don't behave like that because we have so much more experience. Experience we may have, but as human beings we can only have one perspective. And it's limited. So maybe the stuff we are telling ourselves isn't the entire and only truth.

Now, questioning somebody's beliefs is a dangerous this to do, after all more wars are fought over beliefs than any other reason!

But you can question your own beliefs. Most of us think of beliefs as right or wrong, good or bad. Can I suggest a new measure? Does this belief support me to create the life I want to live?

I would be delighted to hear your feedback on any beliefs you have questioned and the benefits gained.

Book Recommendation

The Best a Man can Get by John O'Farrell

As it's summertime, I thought I'd recommend the funniest book I have read in years. Many times I was laughing out loud with tears running down my face. Do yourself a favour and don't read the synopsis on the back, which gives a bit of the plot away, just get reading from page 1 and get your belly aching!

Click here to buy this book